Yesterday was a dumpster fire.
Tears, slamming doors, yelling and threats of running away....and the kids weren't exactly saints either.
My desire to win at homeschooling led to over-management of the kids' schedule, judgement of their teachers' aptitude for WebEx and a Stalin-like reign of terror over their school work. Even the hour I scheduled for "Fun!" become decidedly "Not-Fun!" as I attempted to control exactly how that fun would be obtained, enjoyed and appreciated. I ended the day, as my friend Jamie would say, hollowed out. I had run my well completely dry in an exhaustive effort to forcibly manipulate my day, my kids and my environment (say hello to rage cleaning!).
I stomped around, complained to anyone who would listen, sent passive aggressive emails to people that I deemed were "doing it wrong". I complained that I didn't have a "moment to myself" and then when I finally got it I just sat and stewed. When things didn't go as I planned I allowed myself to return to vices I know don't serve me (social media scrolling, news, unconscious snacking, alcohol). I let my thoughts run free and wild without practicing the mind management that I KNOW is vital.
Basically I allowed my fear of what is happening in the world to manifest into an obsessive need to control others and when that didn't work I turned on myself. Can anyone relate? After really spending some time with this today (fresh day / fresh perspective) I realized that the truth is, I am trying to control others because I DON'T TRUST MYSELF TO BEHAVE UNLESS OTHERS BEHAVE THE WAY I THINK THEY SHOULD. Wow - that was a tough realization and even tougher to admit. But I say it because at the root of everything that holds us back...is ourselves.
I know this isn't a blog that directly relates to business and branding...but maybe it might help someone else who is struggling. I truly don't have any answers, but I do know that with realization and admission you can move forward towards something better. I definitely wish to move towards something better today and I pray the same for everyone out there.